Dealing with rejection is unfortunately an unavoidable part of life – particularly for writers. Successful writers must submit their work constantly to be judged by other people. You can’t get published without rejection and even if your first-ever query letter is accepted and your book gets published on the first try, you’re still going to get rejected. Not everyone will like you, and even more people will dislike your writing.

You can’t be a writer without rejection.

That’s why it’s so important to get comfortable with rejection. In this post you’ll learn:

1. Why Writing Rejection Feels So Terrible
2. The Stages of Rejection
   1. Stage 1: Shock
   2. Stage 2: Anger
   3. Stage 3: Guilt
   4. Stage 4: Depression
   5. Stage 5: Recovery
3. How to Learn From Rejection
4. Five Tips to Build Resilience

Why Writing Rejection Feels So Terrible

Rejection is never a fun experience for anyone. Putting yourself out there only to be struck down and turned away is a shortcut to feelings of insufficiency and failure. For writers, there’s another level to this experience.

Writing, whether creative, corporate, or personal, is a vulnerable act. Writers leave a part of themself on the page, pouring their words, thoughts and emotions into every piece. To have your writing rejected doesn’t feel that different from a rejection of everything that makes you…you.

Often writing projects take weeks, months, or even years to complete, with writers pouring over each word to tell their story in the best possible way. To share this work with anyone is a challenging experience, and if they reject it, you may never want to share anything again.

But you can’t let yourself give up.

Rejection is inevitable, no matter how great a writer you may be, so you must learn not to take it personally. One rejection does not dictate your worth as a person or your skill as a writer, it is just one more wave you must learn to ride.

The Stages of Rejection

The waves of emotion that come with rejection can be separated into stages: shock, anger, guilt, depression, and recovery. Learning these phases will help you to navigate rejection better and reach the other side quicker.

Stage 1: Shock

The initial recoil from rejection. No matter how much you try and prepare yourself for bad news, the blow is always going to sting at least a little.

Rejection might come in the form of a phone call, email, or even a text. On receiving it, take a moment to ground yourself. Read or go over the rejection and take a breath. It didn’t work out this time. Feel yourself letting go of the opportunity and processing the rejection.

In this moment, try not to overthink the experience. Don’t worry too much about specific feedback or reasoning, this can come later. For now, let yourself take some time to recover from the initial shock.

Stage 2: Anger

It’s very common to immediately jump to anger or frustration on being rejected: Blaming others can temporarily make us feel less weak. The problem is that it is only temporary. In the long-term, anger pro-longs feelings of negativity and the rejection recovery process.

I would never recommend someone to ignore or push down their feelings – they are valid because you feel them – however, not all emotions are useful. When anger-based thoughts arise directed at other people, try to shift the perspective to reveal truths about yourself.

For example, instead of accusing a recruiter of wasting your time, acknowledge that you want your time and work to be better valued in the future. If you feel that an editor has overlooked your story or made a bad decision in passing on it, you are demonstrating a belief that your writing is good and important.

Underneath these anger-based statements is confidence in your writing and the knowledge that your skills are valuable and deserve to be compensated appropriately. Hold onto these positive affirmations and allow yourself to openly acknowledge that you are good at what you do and that the right opportunity will present itself in the future.

Stage 3: Guilt

Letting go of high-energy anger can leave you susceptible to dropping down into guilt. Typically aimed at yourself, guilt tells us that we did not try hard enough, put in enough effort, or do a good enough job; it was us, in fact, who wasted the editor or recruiter’s time.

You let yourself down.

Do not give in to these feelings. You may have been passed up for this opportunity for countless reasons, almost all of which have nothing to do with you. Most jobs go to those who apply in the first 24 hours, short story judges have subjected tastes that might simply not align with yours, or a publisher might have a too similar project already on the books.

In other words, do not take rejection personally.

Reflect on the work that you submitted, if you know you tried your best and (more importantly) liked what you created, then you did enough. Perhaps there was more that you could have done, instead of beating yourself over the loss, make a note of what you can do differently next time and move on.

We cannot change what’s already in the past, all we can do is learn from it.

Stage 4: Depression

Going from “I didn’t do enough” to “I will never be good enough”. This can be a dangerous phase. Depression tells you to give up and stop trying because no matter what you do or how hard you try, you are incapable of success.

This is not true.

When you fail at something, and rejection is a form of failure, it can feel like a part of your identity is being challenged or invalidated. This causes a drop in self-esteem and triggers the Depression Stage.

Sadness is not a bad emotion, but it is important not to indulge in it. To counteract the self-esteem drop, look for ways to achieve a writing ‘win’ in the short term such as completing a project or sharing a piece with a friend. Find ways to remind yourself that you are good at what you do and that your writing is worth reading.

Actively challenge the Depression Stage by questioning thoughts of not being enough looking for evidence that you can do this.

Stage 5: Recovery

The final stage in the rejection journey, reaching recovery can take hours or weeks depending on its magnitude. Recovery consists of two things: making peace with your failure and identifying a path to move forward.

The best way to let go of negative feelings associated with a rejection is to consider it from an objective angle. Ask yourself:

• What did I do well?
• What could I have done better?
• What are the reasons I may have been rejected?
• How can I reduce these reasons in the future?

Once you can respond to these questions practically and without emotion, you have likely entered into recovery.

How to Learn From Rejection

Rejection is a powerful tool for improving your work and becoming a better writer. By changing the lens through which you see rejection, you can change the way you experience it. The more often you go through the process of learning from your failures, the easier it becomes.

Amid rejection, you cannot always see the lesson. When enough time passes, however, you will look back to realise your greatest failures were actually the seeds of your greatest triumphs and gains. Each rejection brings you closer to success.

Start by reading (or requesting) specific feedback as to why you were rejected. Look for actionable suggestions more than generalisation and make a note of areas you can actively improve upon.

If you did not receive feedback, instead think critically about your submission and list ways it could be improved. If the same project has been rejected multiple times, then you may want to consider a new approach. Click here to learn how to improve your Literary Query Letter.

Five Tips to Build Resilience

Though you will likely always experience the stages of rejection, you can shorten the length and lessen the magnitude of the negativity. As a result, you can understand the lessons more quickly and eventually, even begin to welcome them – this is your rejection resilience.

Resilience is the act of bouncing back after a setback to be able to put your lessons into action and try again, this time with an even stronger piece. Although building resilience takes time and experience, there are ways to speed up the process. Here are my five resilience-building tips:

1. Apply for everything. The more you put yourself out there, the higher the likelihood of finding success. Not only can you gather feedback and learn what works and what doesn’t, but you can also open yourself up to new opportunities to interact with industry professionals and get your work read.
2. Separate the personal and professional. It is so important to maintain professional and personal boundaries as a writer. Your sense of self-worth cannot be based solely on your writing career. Look for other areas of your life to build self-esteem and remind you of your worth.
3. Embrace rejection. After suspecting rejection, it is extremely tempting to ignore it and hide away. Unfortunately, this only harbours deeper feelings of shame and embarrassment; depression thrives in the darkness. The louder we are about failure, the easier it is to let it go.
4. Don’t live in the future. Try to avoid playing out what it would be like to get a particular opportunity after submission. Whilst optimism is important, setting all your sights on a reality you have no control over is a surefire way to get hurt. Instead, focus on what you can do in the present: perfect your work, query letter, or portfolio, and keep putting yourself out there.
5. Treat yourself. It’s okay to take a break after a big rejection. Sometimes recovery involves resting your mind and body, and that includes not thinking or obsessing over the rejection. Avoid punishing yourself with more work or negative self-talk, and instead, treat yourself kindly after a failure. This will help your mind to not fear rejection and slowly embrace it as a part of life.

Rejection might not ever feel amazing, but it doesn’t have to feel terrible. Remember, being rejected means you are at a point of confidence to be putting your writing out into the world – that is a success in itself.

The most important thing is to not give up. Rejection is an essential step on the path to success, as long as you keep moving, you will achieve your goals. For help with your writing journey, try reading my guide to planning a novel in 7 days or 10 exercises to access your creative flow.